Same-Sex Parents Raising Kids
Illustrations by Eliana Rodgers
“Our lives look the same as every other family. … We do the same things, like taking our kids to the park. … We live a very, very typical life. It’s just us being two women who are married and raising beautiful, wonderful kids.”
These are the words of a lesbian mom in her 30s reflecting on the family she has created with her wife.
As part of our efforts to explore the experiences of LGBTQ adults and their families in the United States, Pew Research Center conducted a series of interviews with 30 gay, lesbian and bisexual adults who are raising children with a same-sex spouse or partner.
Fewer than 1% of parents are married to or living with a same-sex spouse or partner.1 This small share makes it difficult for researchers to report on their views and experiences through a survey.
Our interviews were not designed to be representative of all LGBTQ parents or all adults with a same-sex spouse or partner. These individuals’ stories are specific to their families, but together they provide a glimpse into the lives of same-sex couples raising kids.
Related: The Experiences of LGBTQ Americans Today
Many of the parents we interviewed talked about how their experiences raising a family are just like anyone else’s. They love their children, juggle many responsibilities and worry about paying their bills.
But they also face some unique challenges:
- Their paths to parenthood are often difficult and expensive. Many participants spoke to challenges they faced while looking for sperm or egg donors or while navigating the adoption process as a same-sex family.
- Their families don’t always fit society’s “norm.” One dad talked about having to decide whether he or his husband would be on their child’s birth certificate, since only one father could be listed. Other participants recalled having to correct people who assumed their children have both a mother and a father.
- They worry about what the future might hold for families like theirs. Some parents expressed concern about federal policies that could strip same-sex couples of their legal rights to their children.
Participants also talked about the ways in which they feel their same-sex family is supported and celebrated:
- Several described the support they get from their own parents. We heard stories about grandparents covering child care when couples returned to work following parental leave. Some interviewees received financial assistance from their parents to help with mounting fertility costs.
- Friends often provide an important support system, too. Several parents spoke about the gratitude they felt when their close friends – or chosen family – stepped in to help them prepare their home to welcome adopted children. Social media is also seen as a tool LGBTQ parents can use to connect and learn from one another, especially if they don’t live near other same-sex couples with kids.
- Living in a welcoming community helps them feel safe as a family. One parent mentioned the relief he felt when the family pediatrician immediately used language recognizing that his child has two dads, without him having to explain. Another described attending an LGBTQ-friendly church that provides a welcoming space for his family.
JUMP TO
Journeys to parenthood | Experiences of same-sex couples raising kids | Life in their neighborhood | Finding community in LGBTQ spaces | Future hopes for LGBTQ families
Journeys to parenthood
LGBTQ parents welcome children into their lives in several ways. A majority of same-sex parents have biological children, often born through assisted reproduction or a previous different-sex relationship. Assisted reproduction can include things like in vitro fertilization (IVF) using sperm from a donor, or surrogacy using an egg from a donor and a surrogate who carries the pregnancy. But many same-sex couples adopt or foster children to build their families.
For some couples we spoke with, things did not go as they expected. One mom described a long fertility process that took nearly a decade. Some mentioned roadblocks, like adoption agencies that were hesitant or unwilling to work with same-sex couples. Others spoke to their difficulties finding a donor or surrogate.
“We ultimately landed on IVF doing surrogacy although it was the pricier of the two [compared with adoption], which is such a barrier to entry for so many people, unfortunately. It certainly was not easy for us either, but we felt like we had a little more control over the pace of the process. We just have known so many wonderful, amazing gay couples who so desperately want to be parents but have been on waiting lists for such a long time. … Time wasn’t really on our side in that regard.”
Father, 30s
“We knew that we wanted to do reciprocal IVF.2 I have always wanted to be pregnant, and my wife has never wanted to be pregnant. So we knew that we were going to use [her] eggs and donor sperm, and then I was going to carry. So once we picked a donor, we started the process with our fertility clinic of my wife going through her egg retrievals.”
Mother, 20s
“You need an agency in your home state to do what’s called a home study to validate and prove that you are fit and legit to be parents. But all three of our children were adopted from [another state]. There’s not a lot of adoptions that happen in [our state]. There’s a lot more people looking to adopt than there are adoptions.”
Father, 30s
“She had two children when we met, so we have four children total … You know, it doesn’t matter how they were born in their mind as well. The first two are biologically hers [from a previous different-sex relationship], the second two are biologically mine. … We did IVF and had a friend help us because we wanted to know the father. We didn’t want to have some distant person that we didn’t know.”
Mother, 40s
Legal hurdles and cost
Many people we talked to mentioned legal steps they had to take to establish their rights as a parent. These often included the lengthy and expensive process of adopting children, defining legal rights in surrogacy, or ensuring the rights of the non-biological or non-gestational parent.
“With surrogacy, there’s a lot more legal paperwork. … There’s the paperwork with the egg donor, there’s the legal stuff with the surrogate, and there’s sort of a negotiation about the terms of the agreement. And then there’s a lot of stuff that you need to file with the state. … Only certain states will allow surrogacy. It’s a lot more complicated, legally, for surrogacy.”
Father, 40s
“In [our state], the person who gives birth is listed as the mother on the birth certificate. So we knew that my wife was going to have to do second-parent adoption, even though it’s her embryo. … My wife legally adopted our daughter, literally as soon as we got that birth certificate and could send all of that paperwork in. Because we often go on vacation in states like North Carolina, I said to my wife, ‘What happens if we have to go to the hospital because something happens, and you have no parental rights or I have no parental right?’”
Mother, 20s
We also heard from several people about the financial cost of building their family, especially when the path involved adoption, surrogacy or donor conception. These processes require agency, legal and medical fees that can be too expensive for some couples.
“I mean, you have the financial piece, which is probably one of the greatest stressors that there is in terms of how expensive it is – especially for two men, oftentimes. And this is making a big leap in assumption, but [for] two women, if one of them were willing to carry, then immediately the cost of their process, while still large, goes down significantly, because they’re not paying someone to carry their embryo. So the cost – especially for two men – is just insane.”
Father, 30s
“I think the biggest thing was the insurance. With my first company that we were trying, we got denied the insurance. They gave $15,000 for fertility benefits. But gay couples couldn’t use it because you had to have a medical diagnosis of infertility. Both of us have sperm, so we’re not medically diagnosed as infertile, but we can’t make a baby together.”
Father, 50s
“When I got pregnant with our second … we did have to pay more for me. I didn’t qualify via the insurance to have it covered right away. I think they covered the third [intrauterine insemination (IUI)] cycle. … Even two cycles cost us almost $10,000. But we were lucky that we had saved and were able to do that.”
Mother, 40s
Experiences of same-sex couples raising kids
Some same-sex parents described challenges they’ve faced as their children have gotten older and learned more about their family. They recalled navigating conversations with their kids about how their family structure may look different from other families.
Often these conversations also addressed the fact that some people are not accepting of same-sex families. As a result, a few parents said their kids are cautious in telling people about their family.
“We have lots of books, lots of two dad books, lots of two mom books, lots of all different types of family books to expose him to. There’s a book that’s called ‘The Family Book’ that he’s obsessed with right now. It talks about all the different types of families, including aliens, and some families with two moms or two dads, or with just one parent. But when we get to that page, he’ll be like, ‘I have two dads.’ So he’s aware of that, and we talk about that all the time, especially when we’re around other couples with kids. I like to point out to him, just so he’s even more aware of it: ‘Oh, this kid has two moms’ or ‘This kid has a mom and a dad.’”
Father, 30s
“I think she’s guarded overall. Definitely guarded at school, because you don’t want to risk getting bullied or scrutinized or have people make nasty comments. … And sometimes we go to church. … She’s pretty open about it [there]. So it just depends on the environment. But I would say the place she’s most guarded would be school.”
Father, 50s
“[At school,] they’d be like, ‘Oh, is that the nanny?’ And she’s like, ‘No, that’s my mama.’ ‘Who’s your real mom?’ And she’s like, ‘She is my real mom.’ We always taught her, you know, it’s hard when you’re a same-sex couple. Kids learn, ‘Oh, there’s a mommy and a daddy, and they have a baby.’ So I always said to her, you were conceived in mommy’s belly, but you were also conceived in mama’s heart.”
Mother, 50s
Support from family and friends
The parents we spoke to described different sources of support in their lives. Some said their parents, siblings and extended family are supportive of their same-sex relationship and their children.
Several parents mentioned a difficult coming out process. And some said their relationship with their parents changed over time and they became closer with their parents when they had children of their own.
“I definitely felt loved and celebrated. … In general, our families are really supportive. My partner is from West Virginia and has a pretty Republican family in a lot of ways. But even they are really, really incredible with us and absolutely love the kids.”
Mother, 30s
“My parents have been our biggest advocates and biggest supporters. They were there for us every single moment along the journey. They were helping pay some of our adoption fees for us and all that. They were at the hospital when both of our daughters were born.”
Father, 40s
“I think for a while [my mom] struggled with me being queer, but also just being in a relationship and being married and moving away from home. I think sharing motherhood has been a highlight of our relationship, because now I think I understand her a little bit better. She understands me a little bit better. So that has been really good for us in our relationship.”
Mother, 20s
Not all parents in a same-sex relationship feel supported by their parents or extended family. In fact, several mentioned having complicated family relationships due to their sexual orientation. Religion and politics often play a role in straining these relationships.
“I have some distant family, cousins and especially the parents of those cousins that don’t approve. … I basically just cut contact with people who don’t accept me for who I am and don’t accept my lifestyle or the people that I’m attracted to.”
Father, 20s
“My oldest brother, we maybe every year say ‘I love you’ or talk for a few minutes. But my actual sister disowned me.”
Mother, 40s
“[My partner’s] family is a bit different because they were very conservative and they wanted their daughter to marry a man, and it was really important to them. So she hasn’t been in contact with them for a while. I mean, she hopes she can [have] a relationship with them. I hope so, too. … They were also very religious and … they didn’t want any of ‘that’ in their family.”
Mother, 20s
Support from friends
Our recent survey finds that 84% of LGBTQ adults say all or most of their friends are accepting of them. These feelings of support are reflected in what same-sex parents told us in interviews. Several parents mentioned how excited their friends were for them to become parents and how these friends made an effort to be present in this new chapter of their lives.
“Our tribe, our village, our squad, whatever word you want to use. They swooped in immediately between dropping clothes off, dropping supplies off, the minute we got the call. And that has brought a sense of gratitude that I had never felt before.”
Father, 30s
“I know this is cliche, but our chosen family, our friends here, we’ve got a really solid support system. So many great friends [think] of us as a family.”
Father, 30s
Day-to-day life as a parent
Like other families, same-sex parents have a variety of approaches to parenting. Some assume specific roles of the “strict” versus the “lenient” parent, while others don’t stick to certain types of roles.
Many parents we interviewed described evolving systems for splitting up everyday chores in addition to paid work and child care. For these same-sex couples, responsibilities at work often determine who takes on more child care or household duties. Preferences for certain chores or care responsibilities are also a factor.
“We are totally opposite. … We’re both very gentle and we’re both very affectionate, but I am much more stern and much more strict. So whereas they can get away with something with [my wife] maybe, or something’s not caught by her, I’m like, ‘Absolutely not. We’re not doing that.’”
Mother, 30s
“Playing off our strengths. … He was really good at putting the baby down, so he got to enjoy that at nighttime as part of his responsibility. But I wouldn’t say things [are] set in stone of who does what. … I wouldn’t say we try to be a mother and father. We just try to nurture and love him and teach him.”
Father, 30s
Life in their neighborhood
Parents spoke to a diverse set of experiences when it comes to acceptance for LGBTQ families where they live. Some described feeling accepted as a family immediately. Other parents said they sometimes hesitate to even mention they have a same-sex partner to avoid uncomfortable comments or reactions.
Many parents cited the political climate in their local community as a major factor shaping their everyday experiences as a family. Participants who see their state as restrictive on LGBTQ issues reflected on how their state’s laws affect their sense of acceptance as a same-sex family. Parents who said their state has more protections for LGBTQ people perceived a sense of understanding and openness toward them and their family.
Still, many parents painted a picture of their immediate neighborhood as friendly and welcoming. Some described their community as a “bubble.” They recognize their experiences as a family may not be shared by other same-sex families living in different parts of their state.
“I love our pediatrician. … Between the staff, the nurse, the doctor, there was no tiptoeing. It was just second nature for them to just say, ‘All right, so which parent?’ Not like, ‘Wait, your husband?’ It was just, ‘Which parent is going to be the lead on this?’”
Father, 30s
“I already mentioned the Methodist church is very welcoming. When we go to the grocery store, we feel kind of comfortable because it’s [in a] very gay-friendly neighborhood. But I guess, when you go to the suburbs and stuff like that, when you’re outside of gay-friendly neighborhoods, sometimes people kind of look at you funny once in a while. It’s like you’re different.”
Father, 50s
“We see same-sex couples. We have same-sex couples in our life. And so it feels good to be here and be celebrated in that way. At Pride they have Family Day, and so there’s families out and about. And there are a lot of us. … We’re around other families [in the] community, which feels good.”
Father, 50s
“I don’t even really know any other queer people in this town. I know they exist. I know that they’ve got to be here somewhere. But because I also don’t feel as safe saying ‘my wife and I’ at library story time when I’m talking to the other moms, it’s hard for me to know if any other queer families exist here. I haven’t felt comfortable enough to disclose that about my own identity.”
Mother, 20s
Misconceptions about LGBTQ families
We asked same-sex parents directly if they’ve experienced misconceptions about their family. Many parents say they have and described how some people have questioned their family unit. A 2023 Pew Research Center survey found that about a quarter of U.S. adults overall (26%) say a married gay or lesbian couple raising children together is unacceptable. And 28% say this about an unmarried gay or lesbian couple raising kids.
A few parents mentioned facing stereotypes about LGBTQ people, such as claims that LGBTQ parents actively encourage their children to be LGBTQ as well. These parents also encounter the assumption that having same-sex parents negatively impacts their children. Some shared stories about people who assumed that, because they have children, they must be straight.
“To me, the assumption that because we’re two men, we somehow lack the ability to parent our child. And because we are public figures on social media, we get comments, people saying, ‘Where’s the mom? The child needs a mom. It’s so sad.’ We get a lot of comments. It does tell me a lot about [what] the general population thinks.”
Father, 40s
“My husband and I would be completely fine if both the boys are straight. We’re not pushing towards anything. It’s completely up to them to decide about their sexuality, or they don’t even have to label it. They don’t even have to know. But we’re not going to impose anything. I think a lot of people think that gays want to just raise more gays, for whatever reason. We respect people for who they are – and kids – and we respect their freedom of choice.”
Father, 40s
“Some people might still think that [same-sex parents are] not as good as a mom and a dad. They think that children need mom and dad, and otherwise they’re going to be confused. But I don’t agree with that. I think children need parents that love them and can take care of them. And it doesn’t matter what gender they are. It doesn’t matter if it’s mom and dad, or dad and dad, or mom and mom.”
Mother, 20s
“The first time we ever took [our baby] out in public … we went to a store just to walk around … and there was a lady. She looked at us like we were aliens walking in with a baby. Two men walking in with a baby. I thought her head was going to spin 360 degrees. … My favorite thing is when somebody might say to us, ‘Oh, is it the mom’s day off?’ Or they might say, ‘Dads’ day out, huh? Left the wives at home.’ … I just always chalk it up to people don’t know. They’re just not used to seeing it.”
Father, 40s
Finding community in LGBTQ spaces
Parents shared a mix of opinions on how connected they feel to a broader LGBTQ community. Some said it doesn’t really play a large role in their lives. Others mentioned LGBTQ community events they regularly participate in with their family, including local Pride events or sports leagues.
Many parents mentioned using social media to connect with other same-sex families in their area and find resources to help them navigate their path to parenthood or other aspects of family life. And a couple participants mentioned that their involvement in the LGBTQ community – especially their advocacy for LGBTQ rights – has grown since they became a parent.
“We certainly found a community of gay dads on social media that had been through some similar things.”
Father, 30s
“Because we’re the LGBT parent or we’re lesbians, we’ve had softball girls come to us because they’re wanting to come out to their mom, or things like that. So we’ve gotten in touch with PFLAG [an organization that supports LGBTQ people and their families] and had them come out to our softball games and talk to the moms. We try to help in any way we can and let them know that they’re not alone, and everything that’s happening now isn’t going to be that way when you get older. Just give it time. Everything’s going to be OK.”
Mother, 40s
“I’ve become more of an advocate for the LGBT community. … Becoming a parent definitely shifted my focus and [made me] want to fight to make sure that we have our rights … [so that] my daughter grows up in a world where she feels protected and seen and not different.”
Father, 40s
Politics and legal challenges
Most LGBTQ adults think the policies of the Trump administration will have a negative impact on people who are gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender, according to our recent survey.
When we asked same-sex parents about their views on the political atmosphere surrounding LGBTQ issues, some expressed concern about possible changes to state law or Supreme Court decisions that could impact their marital or parental rights. These worries often vary based on the political leaning of the interviewee’s home state.
Many spoke about steps they are taking to protect their family, including pursuing second-parent adoption and even being ready to move to a different country if needed.
“We have discussed if need be – which, I’m hoping it doesn’t ever come down to this or anything – not being in America anymore. So [we are] keeping all of our passports and all that up to date and making sure that all of our documents are ready to go in case anything does happen again.”
Mother, 30s
“[We] kind of just put off the second-parent adoption. We knew we needed to. There’s been different urgency now, so we’re working on that and trying to do that as quickly as we can.”
Mother, 30s
“Whether things happen outside of our state, our marriage is still safe in our state. And that is very reassuring [and] is a huge thing that will probably keep us in the state. I do feel protected in the sense that you can’t control individuals, but to know that your state government has your back is really, really nice at this particular moment in time.”
Mother, 30s
“Some of the politicians in [our state] can be very discriminatory towards the LGBT community. So it makes you feel kind of disenfranchised sometimes.”
Father, 50s
Future hopes for LGBTQ families
Same-sex parents expressed a variety of hopes for their personal future and that of the broader community.
Many participants want to see protected rights for LGBTQ people, and especially for those who are transgender. Others described their hope for broader acceptance of LGBTQ families across the country, drawing on their experiences where they live.
And thinking about the difficulty of building their own families, some parents shared their wishes for more accessible and affordable family planning options for same-sex couples.
“I just hope that when our children grow, they do better than what they see today. I mean, a lot has evolved. Years ago, we couldn’t get married, and now we can get married and we can have children. For me, I would like to see our community grow and be more widely accepted and still not have those prejudices that they have today or the thing about two moms and two dads.”
Mother, 50s
“I would love to see that there are benefits that allow all families to have children. Right now, we had to come up with $200,000. Most people can’t do that. We’re blessed. [I] also had to wait [until] I was 50 years old to have that kind of money. I couldn’t do this in my 20s or my 30s when it would have been easier for me physically to walk with a baby.”
Father, 50s
“My hopes are that in places where it may be harder … [in] states and different towns and everything where the rights of LGBTQ people aren’t the same as they are here, that it can get to a point where [LGBTQ people have rights] just all across the board.”
Mother, 30s
Acknowledgments
The Pew Research Center is a subsidiary of The Pew Charitable Trusts, its primary funder. This report was made possible with support from the Trusts and from the People & Voices Initiative.
This report is a collaborative effort based on the input and analysis of the following individuals. Find related reports online at pewresearch.org/topic/gender-lgbtq.
Kim Parker, Director of Social Trends Research
Juliana Horowitz, Senior Associate Director, Research
Rachel Minkin, Research Associate
Jake Hays, Research Associate
Kiley Hurst, Research Analyst
Dana Braga, Research Analyst
Blen Wondimu, Research Assistant
Shannon Greenwood, Digital Production Manager
John Carlo Mandapat, Information Graphics Designer
Anna Jackson, Editorial Assistant
Julia O’Hanlon, Communications Manager
Andrew Grant, Communications Associate
In addition, the project benefited greatly from the guidance of the PSB Insights team: André Sanabia Johnston, Amy Crosby, Griffin Andersen, and Bruce Young.
Editorial guidance was provided by Rachel Drian, Associate Director, Communications; and Neha Sahgal, Vice President, Research.
Finally, we received invaluable advice in developing the study from Jaimie Kelton, host and producer of The Queer Family Podcast; Abbie Goldberg, Jan and Larry Landry University Professor, Clark University; Brad Sears, Rand Schrader Distinguished Scholar of Law and Policy, Williams Institute; Christy Mallory, Roberta A. Conroy Interim Executive Director and Legal Director, Williams Institute; Naomi Goldberg, Executive Director, Movement Advancement Project; and Lisa Diamond, Distinguished Professor of Psychology and Gender Studies, University of Utah.